Mental blocks, nerves, & the meaning of life

To make my point before the article even starts, I’ve put off writing this post for months, and as you will read, my mind is just about everywhere. But that’s okay.

Being a creative person can be difficult in as many ways as it is rewarding. We don’t really have a specific curriculum, or a specific final destination, because that would defeat the purpose. We thrive off of little direction and a lot of imagination. And also a lot of time and effort. Sometimes it’s exhausting, to keep the creative side of my brain moving, and honestly, sometimes it feels like I’m not really moving anywhere. But how can we improve if we don’t try? Because nothing beats the feeling of pride you gain from something you created from a simple idea in your mind. Something tangible (or not) that came from nothing but a little spark in your brain. It really is indescribable. All it takes is effort and will. But, mental blocks are very real and very difficult to navigate.

I know I want to keep this site very true to myself and cultivate it to be a peek into my personality. And I would say that you can get to know someone very well when they’re working through artist’s block. I feel everything flowing in my mind and it feels like there is quite literally a brick wall that every idea is bouncing off of before it reaches my conscious mind. It’s such a strange feeling– understanding that you have aspirations, but not being able to demonstrate that purely because of your own mind. Ridiculous. But unfortunately, very real. So are nerves and anxiety, which I’d say are present in the majority of creative people. Why? Simply put, it is absolutely terrifying to open yourself up and show something that you have created. It’s chilling to be that vulnerable with the world. Honestly, it’s a bit scary to write this post knowing I’m going to publish it. But without that, you can’t learn, you can’t grow. Me personally, I want to grow. I want to push myself, no matter how difficult or embarrassing or downright bad parts of it might be. To me, it’s all worth it. And now all I need to do is swat that anxious devil on my shoulder and throw myself into the world. Easy enough right?

For the past few months, I’ve been feeling like it's hard to create, when in reality, time and time again I’ve shown myself that it isn’t. Everything in my mind is the pressure I’ve put on myself to live up to certain standards when in reality, I’m still learning. We all are. And all we can do is continue to move forward. Whatever your passion, everyone is still a student of life, and everyone is trying to reach their goals. Everyone fails, everyone succeeds. Everyone feels what you feel and everyone misses home. Not a single one of us is completely different from the rest, (an artist’s worst nightmare, I know), but that should provide a sense of comfort in those of us who still give far too much weight to the minds of others, and not enough to our own unique traits. It’s hard to battle the devil on your shoulder, whatever form that may take, telling you that you should be anything other than yourself and that being accepted is the goal. That battle is just part of being human. You have to work through your own mental minefield to achieve your goals and reach your ultimate self, which is what makes everything worth it. It’s what makes us feel alive.

Now, what inspires all of this introspective and headache-inducing thinking? I turn twenty in a few days, and as I’m sure it can be for anyone, this is quite difficult to grasp. I’m sure a lot of people hold very little or no weight to their birthdays, and I never really did in the past, but after changing my life in many aspects due to a few recent events, this birthday specifically has found a very special place in my heart. A new decade, a new chapter. It feels good and very real, and it’s been making me think about what I want from myself right now and out of life overall. I’ve given this milestone in my life some of the weight that was on my shoulders, and it feels freeing. Don’t be afraid, don’t be ashamed. Easier said than done, yes absolutely. Just try, it’s the only way to move in life. This is the namesake of this website, reminding me to put in the effort for the result I want, the result I deserve. And it’s all up to me. Isn’t that terrifying and exciting? Isn’t it all?

Tangent? (kind of)→ Despite what other people may say, so many people won’t like you, and probably for no reason. Harsh? No, actually I don’t think so. But, so many people will love you, and for all the right reasons. These are the people who you want in your life– the people who took the time to get to know the parts of you that make you special, not the parts you might present to the world in hopes of being accepted. And we all do it, to some amount. We all want to feel a part of something, connected to a larger group. But if we all try so hard that we end up not acting like ourselves, what’s the point? How can you find the people you’re meant to be with if you lose yourself in finding them? The answer is you can’t. Which is good. Because, it goes to show that what is meant for you will find you, which is something I’ve always believed. Yes, of course, putting yourself out there is worth it, and taking risks is very necessary. Ultimately, we all have a path, and each one is different— tailored and created specifically for and by you, and only you. Because the balance between selfish and selfless is what life is about. Creating the life you want for yourself, the life you deserve for yourself is the point of being alive. Finding love, happiness, adventure, peace, whatever your aspirations may be. That is the point, the reason to be alive. Create the life you want so that you can continue to create on your own terms. That’s my goal at the very least. So what if you embarrass yourself on the way, so what if some people don’t like you? Why does it matter if you like yourself and you like how you’ve molded your life? In your life, you are the top priority, you are what matters. You can create what you want, love who you want, go where you want, and the most beautiful part, be who you want. And though the path to that is wild and everlasting, if I’ve learned anything in my almost 20 years it’s that everything is ever-changing, and I’ve grown to love that.

And now I’ve successfully discovered the meaning of life. Do the scary thing, do the weird thing, do what you want and what you need. Set your goals, and soar out to meet them. We are all tiny.